My idiosyncrasy and me…

Whenever I think there might be something wrong with me and would like to refer to it as an idiosycrasy that is very unique to me. But before I take that step I begin to wonder if I really am the only one who feels that way… Could I be the unique one?? When I ponder on that question I am hit with the reality that I am not alone… Should I take comfort in the fact that I have company or should I feel bad that I am not all that unique.. I wonder 🙂

The world’s fastest supercomputer – Sequoia

Developed by IBM, this super computer takes only one hour for a calculation that would require 320 years when done by 6.7 billion people…. It is just astonishing to see how wonders take shape around us… The brains behind such creations I sometimes really wonder how they would be in real life … Do they really function like us…. I wonder wonder… 🙂

The true BUT story…


I’m not homophobic, but seeing two guys kiss disgusts me.

I’m not racist, but Indians smell bad.

I have no problems with Muslims, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating one.

I have lesbian friends, but what’s with the not shaving?

My friend is dating a Syrian, but they’re so stupid.

I’m completely fine with Christians, but they are too extreme.

I understand what Palestinians are going through, but why do they have to ruin my country?

I’m not sexist, but women can’t drive.

I feel bad for poor people, but they should just work harder.

I fully support activists in Lebanon, but why do they have to be so annoying?

I love my maid, but I can’t trust her.

I’m a feminist, but women should listen to their husbands.

I go to gay places sometimes, but I’m just not comfortable there.

People with special needs are human beings, but you…

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Stay poor yet look rich

 As social as we human beings are, there are many fascinating behavioral patterns that can be followed. Social acceptance is placed on the 4th level on the Maslow’s need hierarchy theory. According to me if I were to revise this theory based on my observations I shall bring it to the 2nd place and place it after physiological needs. This will therefore be applicable only after basic food, clothing and shelter needs are met. Maslow might have felt otherwise but in my view times have changed so have people. The moment the basic needs are met, our focus shifts on what other people think of us. The picture of our life and luxuries in our head is only painted after weighing all the ideas that we have in our minds. And beware the ideas are never research based. They are more often than not mere reflections of our own self esteem. The funny part being the self esteem is also an idea that we make up in the head, and it is usually on the lower side. Thinking about all this, Life feels like a story that we create for ourselves. Nothing is real; nothing can be etched on stone.

Even while creating that pseudo image about ourselves we look for a third umpire view so that we view how our life looks to the other people around. Based on this thought we make up any entire chapter of self esteem in our life books. These thoughts may not always be true as usual, yet that is the way of life. This constant thought of what others will feel about us leads to a dilemma. A dilemma so strong that it disturbs the basic balance of life. A viscous cycle thus begins.

Wealth is one factor that generations have sworn by as an indicator of happiness. The more the money , the happier they are. Every person in their heart is aware of the fact that this is a myth. Yet the myth remains so strong in the subconscious mind that at the moment of judging people , it takes full control. In spite of the fact that radiating happiness is what we should be looking for, we are hooked on the wealth display. Agreed when people can afford it they shall go for it. But what when they are not able to? Does that have to imply they made bad choices and settled for something lesser in life? In theory we would all like to say NO NO to all the above questions, but can we really abide by it?

Can we actually stay away from the viscous cycle of displaying more wealth than we actually have just to please others and thereby become poorer than we actually are? Are we ready to stay poor just to look rich to the others? Save me for I don’t want to be a part of this. I would like to make my self esteem independent of what the others have to think or say. I would like to be true to myself.





When I thought I felt lost in the routine of life, I found this one to tell me life is just as it is supposed to be. This moment onwards I shall try more to focus on the present.

Zen Warrior

Before Enlightenment chop wood, carry water.  After enlightenment chop wood, carry water.

Zen Proverb

A common misconception in following a spiritual life is the belief that in order to follow the practice that one must live in a cave, wear a saffron robe and beg for alms. This picture of a monk with a shaved head living in the mountains leads one to believe a spiritual practice is not possible unless one practices asceticism.  This commitment level and practice is too much for some so they refrain completely from practicing a spiritual life.  This all or nothing mentality creates a missing in a person’s life.  It IS possible to have a spiritual existence without a shaved head and bamboo cup.  Many masters  in India as well as spiritual practitioners across the globe live a regular life with a family, and a job.   How is such a life possible?

The essence of living…

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The opening line matters

“You are wrong … It is not like that… You don’t know….” Many times we have been used to start our sentences with these words. It surely is a very negative way to start a conversation. Not every person will be able to consciously pay attention to the words they choose to make a beginning with. It might just be our way of communication or an underlying pattern.  While talking there is never an undo key, is there? It therefore becomes very important to pay special attention to develop a more positive communication pattern. In conversations it is a now or never affair unlike writing where in there will be as many chances as you need to make changes. No matter how many books are written about the positive conversation skills i believe it comes only out of conscious effort. An effort that needs so much awareness that it feels impossible to achieve.


I want to be able to cultivate the positive communication skill so much so that it shall become engraved onto my personality. I do realize it is a tough one to crack yet I desire to achieve it.

Desire to achieve it, is my first step towards it.

Trying too hard to please

No matter what we do, there will be someone or the other who will continue to be unhappy with us. The reasons maybe innumerable yet the sole constant factor that this situation is based on will always be the person in question. I have always been there too. For a person like me it is so difficult to overlook other peoples views. I haven’t really been this way all my life. I have had my rebel phase when I would never ever think about what the other people will feel even for a second. Every second was a liberating rebellious second. It somehow felt good and bad at the same time. Yet I payed no heed to what anyone said. I remember very little details of those times. I wonder if I really didn’t care or I just forced myself to believe that I didn’t care. Whatever it is, all that I know was that I always had this sense of breaking shackles at each stage.

Today I feel my personality has taken the road on the opposite direction, I am all about trying to please everybody around me. I know this is adding to a lot of unnecessary stress on me but am I will to let go? Will there be a time when I shall not really be affected by what people think or say?  I want to say – I don’t need you to like what I do or am. I will continue to be what I am. Please back off.


The cost of not being able to say NO

Every person creates a certain kind of space around them.  A space, however it may seem to others, so close that it reflects the desires and personality of an individual. When a couple together creates this space there are lots of intimate moments and memories embedded in each brick there. The relationship is taken to a whole new level with this. This is the importance of my space to me.

There might be a zillion ways out there to better my space. But do I want any of it? NO. The ideas maybe brilliant but will I feel the same way about them? NO. It might make the space more appealing but do I want redecoration in my intimate space? NO.  Whatever the reason or rules any soul gives I just don’t want anybody taking control of MY SPACE. Please leave me the way I am. If you think my space is not as good as it could be, then so be it. Please leave me alone.

Even if it is my mother or mother in law, please leave me in the comfort of my own space just like I don’t try to invade yours. I never really barge in into your space and dig into everything possible and make changes just for the heck of it, do I? I let you stay in control in your homes, please let me have mine.  I don’t want fancy places or great convenience. I need my home, my way. Whenever I feel I need to make changes I shall do so on my own. If ever I feel the need for somebody else to clean my dirt I promise I shall turn to you. Till then please be my guest and not an invader who threatens me.

Just to give you a little backdrop of where this is coming from it is my mother in law digging in too deep just for the heck of it. The changes make very little sense to me. It has definitely brought in the feeling of being a stranger in my own house. For a person like me who finds it very very difficult to say no and stand stiff matters turn worse. I surely don’t want to be the one spoiling relationships over silly matters. However silly it might seem, it affects me so much.

For a control freak like me it is very difficult to make peace with someone else taking control of my life. I sometimes think I should let it go but I can’t. I feel like I am being treated like a slave. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to change things around without hurting anybody or hurting myself. I want to be able to say No to things that I want to.No No No…. Do I need any help? No No No….


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The silent lessons

Life’s lessons are hidden in almost everything that nature has to offer. I say hidden because they are around all the while but will only reveal themselves as and when we seek for more wisdom. I have always heard people say it is very important to spend some time in silence each day to discover oneself, but never really understood the essence of it. There was I time in life where I was terrified of being in the company of silence. The monologue that I keep playing over and over in my head was very new to me. It also felt that maybe something is wrong with me as I keep speaking to myself. There is also the act of rehearsing and replaying various scenarios and events in the mind stage. But silence I find is like therapy where the counselor and the patient are the same. We can talk about anything at all to ourselves without the fear of being judged by others.

All this said, I would also say that there are times when this silence that we have chosen, seems like loneliness and it becomes very difficult to differentiate the two. It is those testing times that determine how we are able to handle situations in life. If we give in and begin to feel defeated and lonely, then so it shall be. If we are determined to conquer the kingdom of silence, that it have life shall reveal itself. There are sometimes that are only going to add to more stress when we think about them. So matters I think the best is to sleep over them. Miracles don’t happen overnight but surely the intensity of that sickening feeling in the tummy is at the least the next morning.

I therefore combine both this thoughts and try to spend at least some ME time in the morning where my mind is at its calmest state. Given the busy morning schedules it definitely is difficult to spend too much time that way but I am consciously trying to squeeze it in. I know some people may recommend mediation but in the stage that I am in I don’t really think I can get my mind to stand still at a particular time. My mind is constantly wavering around so many related or unrelated things that controlling it to focus on one particular point seems like a herculean task. But after I have heard about the experiences of people, I definitely would like to be a part of it. Seems simple after I make up my mind to do it but there is a catch here. The catch is that I would like to reap the benefits without trying too hard. As lazy as I may seem, I am what I am .


Is “Happy ending” a myth?

Two weeks ago I thought once we found a new place and settled in well, I would find happiness. Last week I thought once I hear from my to-be employer I shall be relieved and happy. Today I think once I have a little more clarity about the new job and join in, my rendezvous with happiness is sure to happen. Thinking back like this, I have just realized that almost 99% of my life so far has always passed with hoping that the gift of happiness is delivered to my doorstep. I have always been eagerly waiting alongside making great guesses as to what shall be my harbinger of joy. But truly is there a permanent happiness package with my name and address posted in this universe? If there is, why is there such a delay in delivery? Will I ever be able to “carpe diem” as they say it? Will there be a period of happiness a little longer than a few days before I find some other reason to be worried. Ok, I am aware that the Great people of all times say a zillion things about how to have a happy life forever, but does this promise come with a guarantee card? Can I please have some form of reassurance before I listen to all that anybody has to say. I would like to know that any methods that I ought to try shall reap benefits beforehand coz I am really tired of experimenting with new ways. I am tired with the trial and error methods and am now looking for some quick fix methods.

Having said so much I am beginning to think this might be giving you an impression that I am going through some testing times. Honestly there is nothing of that sought. If I were to count my blessings at this very moment there are too many that I can think of. A happy marriage, pleasant financials, decently good relationships, a social image so good that I sometimes wonder if that is truly what the world sees of me. What else could I ask for.. Well if I really can’t think of anything else that I need, then why is it that I have this constant void in me that  I strive to fill in each day. Why do I need to always hope for a miracle to fill my heart with everlasting happiness? Is it too much to hope for? Or am I feeling this cause I am looking for a happy ending and my life is surely no movie. Questions I ask are too many.. Answers are sort of out there but I am not yet ready to accept them with all my heart. Hope there will come a day when I embrace them and start over again.


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