Monthly Archives: March 2012

How much can you share with your husband?

Of course we all remember the promises that we have made to our partners to not let secret keep us apart. I love the idea of sharing every single thought that creeps up in my mind with him. I want to talk about the dream that I had last night and also why I think I might have had it too. I want to also share gossip with him instead of venting out things to people outside our household. But am I overstepping the line? Oh as a matter of fact I was hardly aware that there was a line at all. I just thought this promise was unconditional and that I didn’t have to emotionally cheat on my husband in order to vent out my thoughts. Ok let me hold you right there before you begin to think that this is a confessional post that I am writing after I cheated on my husband. Please no. I just took that analogy to vent out another one of my thoughts ( now you know how I relate stuff while explaining my thoughts) So anyway about that line that I was unaware of, I have something to say. I believe it is a line that is ambulatory. I say this because there are times when he wants to know everything that runs in my mind and there at times when the same things don’t interest him as much. I am aware of the fact that the line is subject to ” Terms and conditions”. The term and conditions being factors like my mood , his mood, time of the day, whether an interesting program or movie is being aired on TV or not stuff like that. But how do I know when is the right time to start or stop. I have no issues talking about it with my friends but he still want to be my best friend. You tell me my friend will you hold the start and stop boards in your hand for me? I wish I could read and scan through all the factors at once and decide what to do. Even if I could I don’t really want to go through a checklist before opening my mouth. 

Ok it will be bad on my part to say this happens everyday, but it has happened thrice and I has left me wondering what to do and say. 

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Stuck in the past

Whatever be the gifts that the present or the future has to offer, I am still stuck in the past. Not because it was great but because I just can’t seem to let go… There definitely are things that I would love to forgive and forget, but my mind seems to be stuck in that hard bound concrete past. After continuously telling myself that I need to accept certain events and move on, I do get it out of my mind but just momentarily. At the slightest possible trigger all of those unpleasant thoughts come rolling back to me. The trigger could be anything at all – a name that I recollect from the catastrophe to any song that I enjoyed at that point in time when such unpleasant events were brewing behind my back. I hate to recollect anything at all . They bring back memories that haunt me. My way of coping with such things has always been about dumping all those memories in a tight box in the back of my mind that I resolve never to open. Whenever I feel like I am going even slightly close to anything that has to do with that forbidden box, I just shut myself out. I don’t want to go anywhere near it. I am sure this is not the best of ways to deal with the past, but I guess its just my way. I prefer carrying that luggage without ever dealing with it and getting rid of it. Even if I try to deal with it, it drains the life out of me. I know I take comfort in not having to deal with it but believe me like every other person I would like to travel light in this journey called Life.

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Hoping these shall apply to me as well 🙂

Can I ever decide at crossroads?

At the moment, I am still drowning in efforts to find a new house. Rents are up in the air , so are our expectations I guess. Assumed that it would be easier if we drew an household budget and decided how much we could afford. Been there, done that. If the allocated budget were the only criteria I guess that would have been a lot easier. The problem here is that in my mind I am still  trapped in those times when I remember life not being so expensive, not so long ago actually. Even if our earnings have gone up tremendously as compared to the old times, my mind isn’t being very understanding at times. Whenever I ponder on those high figures, there is a part of me which says we cant really help it and maybe it is worth living life king size after all.. But just the next moment I feel God that’s too much fixed cost that we will be committing to . We might as well settle and spend less on daily life ( housing in my case) and splurge elsewhere celebrating life more often. I know there could be a mid way out of this but then the differential doesn’t seem good enough to give up the first option. This idea of calculating the opportunity cost for everything has to take some break.

At the crossroads, which way will I choose? Once I am tired of hanging around in mid air and make a choice( just for the heck of making a choice) , can I stop myself from not coming back to the crossroads again… I would like to end it by saying “Only time will tell ” , but will it really?

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This is one of those reads that left me thinking even after knowing that there is nothing that could be changed.

After The Party

Dear Daughter-

I have sensitively opted not to use your name in this post, as I know the very act of my existence has become a terrible embarrassment to you. That’s okay, because I remember what you were like before hormones ate your soul, and I can’t hold a grudge. I know when you say that you hate me, you don’t really mean you hate me…what you hate is that I have control over all of the little things that make your world go ’round. Your cell phone, the computer, your curfew, your access to facebook (sometimes), your access to FREEDOM. Trust me, you’ll get over it. It only feels like you’re going to die-no teenage girl ever actually expired due to missing out on some monumental social event.

Believe it or not, I remember exactly what it is like to be a fourteen year old girl-thanks to you…

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Fixated at some thought or the other at all times

Why do I constantly need to be fixated on some thought or the other? If it is a fear in me , I keep running the worst possibilities over and over again in my mind. It doesn’t matter if it is far from reality, I just cant seem to take it out of my mind. Even if my rational self screams out ” you are hurting yourself unnecessarily” I turn a deaf ear to it. I feel sad , depressed , need to break free but I don’t do anything about it. I sometimes think that I enjoy the feeling of self pity. Maybe if everything were picture perfect, I would just get lost in it. Does that mean that I constantly need some thought or the other to keep me alive. Not always do I think of sad things. There are times when I push myself into believing that all my wishes will come true. I do realize that I am under the hope that ” The Secret ” will work for me. Great if it does! But the thing that I am complaining about is whether good or bad , I constantly need something to hold on to . Why ? It leaves me feeling mentally exhausted. I realize what it does to me yet I am addicted to it. Am I alone on this road I wonder ….Image

A week since my last day at a “JOB”

It has exactly been a week since I last put on that ID card and hurried my way to that office cab. Am I feeling any regret ? Surprisingly not . It was MY decision to quit that job and give healthy lifestyle a chance. I had no idea about what I wanted but was very clear that a job with unconventional timings was something that was not worth it. Cribbing about the timing and the time not well spent with my husband ate up most of my mental energy. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to feel like a machine. I needed to feel alive and happy. Thus defying every other persons logic, I quit without knowing the answer to the mighty question ” What next?”. As luck would have it, an e-book writing assignment came my way. It has been my twig to hold on to till I find something that I want to do. Something that will not come in the way of me and life. Something that accepts me as a human being and understands that it need to be a part of my life rather than my life being a part of it.

Now that is how I started to feel a need to do a little rejig in life. Being happier is all that anybody ever wants. But not knowing how to reach there we just wander about in the dark. Sounds so saintly but that is want is running in my mind right now. Cant help it much 🙂 .

Anyway about all the resolutions that I made, I am on a good track so far.

Religiously jogging for 20 mins every morning.

Cooking for my hubby and posting the recipes while he savors the dish

Having a lot of happy moments with my hubby 😉

Now reading – I still need to start on that one. If research work for my e book counts then I am right there 🙂

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I am just wandering in the clouds without putting in any thought about till when I want to stay like this. Just living the moment as it comes. If anybody is worried about me , I think  I ll just leave them to worry a little more.Sorry but I am lost but LOVING it.

A New beginning

A new morning, a fresh start , a shot to happily ever after.Our fascination with the need to start afresh stems from hope. A hope that gives us a reason to live amidst all the life’s baffling throws at us.

As I begin , I am trying to think of the resolutions I want to make during my journey. I am sure I shall add more to the list in days to come. As of now , here it is:

  1. Get fitter
  2. Cook everyday and share the recipes
  3. Travel as much as possible
  4. Spend the much needed “happy time” with my husband
  5. Read more
  6. Develop an Aura of knowledge

A Free Fall

“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”

An inspiration to this attempt at happiness comes from the above quote. It feels awfully good to think and feel that we have gone through a lot in life and have survived it all .  But pondering again upon that thought I instantly know that no matter how much we have struggled through, there has always been someone who has struggled more. If  we are constantly seeking comfort in self pity, “The Secret ” might just work its magic and leave us alone to toss around in our very own self created discontent.

I realize a miracle is all I need to bring me on to the path of happiness. But am I willing to let the miracle work? Am I even accessible for the miracle to find me ? I need my Miracle. I need it bad. I am done living a life constantly looking out for something to fill that void in me, not knowing what will bring happiness. Blessed with so many greater things in Life, why do I still search for trivial things to make me unhappy?

The questions that I am looking out for answers to could just be rhetorical in nature yet I seek out. In this transformation journey that I intend to undertake I hope to find answers or even better come up with more and more questions.

Again now I think I shall let my logical self to rest and take this free fall without any ropes of the past attached.

I NEED TO FALL FREE !!!!

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